Origin Story: The Mirror and More
Image Source: Vitaly Gariev (Unsplash)
“If you look in a mirror and do not like what you see, do not blame the mirror; change the way you look at yourself today.”
The First Time in Front of the Mirror
Sitting across from a therapist is like facing yourself in a mirror. You do the talking and the "mirror" reflects what you say. In this case, the mirror/therapist listens and then assists you in refining your thoughts- at least that was how I perceived my first counseling experience.
Sarah told us about "thinking errors" during peer training. One such error was believing that part of my soul was taken from me when my friend killed himself. She said, "Tim, you are still a whole person- nothing was taken from you. You have experienced not only this trauma, but most likely countless others during the past 20 years of your career." I began to think about things differently after that.
At the same time, I saw Sarah, I was receiving acupuncture treatments for stress reduction. Let me tell you, my friends, that brought out a lot of things from the basement of my mind: being bullied as a child, unresolved grief over the death of a close friend who was killed in the line of duty as a security officer, family arguments - to name a few. The acupuncture was intense (I still go to this day), but Sarah helped me to make sense of these issues.
She said that the brain can only take so much overload before it says, "Whoa, slow down here." I was given weekly homework assignments to augment our discussions. After just five sessions, I was released from counseling as Sarah said I was an independent thinker by that time. I agreed wholeheartedly and was ready to begin my new lease on life.
Life Moves Toward the Spiritual
Another dimension to my background is that I am a personal trainer, health coach, and holistic wellness practitioner (since I penned this narrative, I am no longer a personal trainer or health coach. I am now a yoga instructor and a Level 1 iRest Meditation facilitator). I earned a diploma in Holistic Health Practice and a certificate in Wellness Consulting through the American College of Healthcare Sciences located in Portland, Oregon. This wealth of knowledge has exposed me to different modalities that can complement traditional Western medicine.
I am a firm believer in following a regular exercise routine, healthy diet, and meditative practice as a means to a balanced life. I practice Kundalini Yoga, receive regular chiropractic care, massage therapy, and Reiki treatments to stay grounded in this world. Remember, I am still an active firefighter (retired in 2019), which means the traumatic exposures still happen- it's how I deal with it that makes all the difference. However, what works for me may not work for someone else. We are unique individuals on our own journey.
From 2014 to 2017, I began to entrench myself in the peer support world by sharing my lessons learned with fellow brother and sister first responders. If they were able to take away just one granule of my "wisdom," then I knew I made their world a better place to live. 1 -on-1 peer support, educational outreach, you name it, I was on cloud nine.
I was even asked to expand my peer support beyond Illinois when a woman named Kate Gillie reached out to me on Twitter (where I was establishing a presence for my personal blog). She asked me to join a regular chat connected to her organization, PTSDCHAT.ORG. I eagerly agreed and am still part of this team. Yet another life-changing experience for me: podcasts, interviews, and countless connections I have made (Natalie Harris, Dave Ralph, Debra Lindh, TEMA Trust, Dan Bowers, Paul Jockimo, Sue Wood, Christine Newman et al). I was feeling good and living life large until I entered the spiritual realm.
In 2016, I was receiving regular Reiki treatments (Reiki is a complementary modality in which the practitioner channels energy either through hovering hands or light touch). Reiki promotes stress reduction and balance in the client's mind, body, and spirit. Healing is an inside job, and that is where the Reiki journey begins. My practitioner suggested that I become "attuned" to Reiki, if only for self-treatment to help me remain balanced as a first responder. She suggested a colleague named Shannon as the ideal teacher for me.
In December of 2016, I became a Level I and II practitioner. This meant that I could do self-treatment, or work with others – I did both. It is very gratifying to not only heal oneself but also be the conduit for another to heal him or herself (If I work on me, then I am the healer. If I provide Reiki for another, then they are the healer. It is kind of like the homework assignments that Sarah gave me during counseling). Reiki is an awesome energetic experience- especially coupled with acupuncture treatments.
I immediately began self-care and worked with others, either in person or at a distance. In March of 2017, I took the Advanced Reiki course that gave me more spiritual tools to work with.
It was after this experience that I began to feel a shift within myself. Anxiety started to creep in again (I was planning to start my own coaching biz), I realized I was taking on others' pain/emotions, and I felt as if I was headed down the rabbit hole, I pulled myself out of three years earlier. I knew it was time to check in with another "mirror" once again. And what a journey that was, to say the least.
Image Source: Олег Мороз (Unsplash)
Some Thoughts About Emotions
What I thought would be only a 1-- or 2-session "check-in" lasted 9 months, with an epic battle to get down to the emotional heart of the matter. Think about the word cathartic that I defined at the top of this narrative.
The therapist I worked with this time around tapped into the emotional versus the logical brain. From day one, I was asked why I was sad and carried shame around with me (like a badge of honor?). My therapist always asked me to look at what my feelings were telling me. She explained that as humans, we always feel our emotions before we think about them. My assignment was to embrace my feelings as an ally versus an enemy. For example, what does anger represent? Is it fear, frustration, disappointment? And then the question I dreaded most over 9 months: "What do I want to do with it/them?
Let me tell you, this was a great struggle for me to comprehend this question. Every time I went into a session, I had my response rehearsed like a finely tuned piano, and each time I was told, "That sounds good, but they are just words." Through self-discovery, I learned that I was trying to control the outcome of each session, and by doing so I might finish this round of therapy in a couple of sessions (that was my thoughts, not something spoken by the therapist per se). Nothing was further from the truth. I was running from my emotions in much the same way I ran from the bullies in my life, or the death of a friend.
As a child, if I became whiny/emotional over something (e.g., couldn't get the latest and greatest new toy "as seen on TV"), I would be told, "Stop that crying or I will give you something to cry about." During therapy, I realized that this caused me to shut down true exploration of my emotions out of fear of "punishment". Also, as an unorthodox way of keeping us kids in line, we were repeatedly told that Mom would call the police to the house, or she would send us to a military-type school. This explains why I became so introverted as a child. After all, what better way not to get in trouble than to say nothing that could lead to the same. So where did the shame come from?
While driving home from a session, it struck me that the shame evolved from something peculiar that my brain did: the inner judge had sentenced my emotions to a lifetime in "mental prison". The one thing I feared most as a kid (going to jail) happened on an emotional level. In that instant, I set my emotions free to be explored more deeply. "Hip Hip Hooray!", I smiled.
As a side note: I harbor no ill will towards how I was raised (with fear of jail); after all, our parents are only human. They did the best they could with what they knew how to do at the time. During their generation, my parents were raised with an even heavier hand than mine. Hence, they brought a significant history with them to the world of parenting.
At the start of 2018 (9 months in at that point), the "ah ha" moment finally happened: I graduated from therapy. Frequently, before entering uncomfortable situations, my "monkey mind" creates a scenario of what will happen. 99.9% of the time it never comes to fruition, and I work myself up for nothing. However, upon entering a recent family dinner, I went in with no preconceived notions, and guess what- this gathering was wonderful. In each moment, I listened to what my emotions were "telling me" as if I were a fly on the wall. As a result, I remained steadfast and grounded. What a liberating feeling, as a sigh of relief came over me.
As I said earlier, as humans we will always feel our emotions before we think about them. However, for as long as I can remember, I have bypassed the emotional seat and gone straight to the head, resulting in me erupting like a volcano. When that happened, there was no reasoning with me. I would just come at you like a bull in a china shop, leaving an emotionally charged wake in my path.
I now realize that I can take each situation as a stand-alone event and ask myself, "How do I feel about this, and what do I want to do with it?" Sometimes, I won't have to do anything with it, and that will be okay – because I don't know is an answer. When we embrace the emotional aspect of ourselves, there doesn't always have to be a definitive answer in that moment.
Image Source: Jon Tyson (Unsplash)
My success was grounded in my ability to do a thing. Not the "right" thing, but a thing. That, my friends, was the greatest gift I could have received at the start of 2018. The end of this "assignment" is only the beginning of a lifetime of emotional wellbeing. As an epilogue to my story, I will now share with you some pearls of wisdom I have learned along the way. Until next time -
Namaste,
Tim