Suicide Prevention Awareness
"Tim, the signs were there, we just weren't trained to see them." - Retired Chief Pat Kenny.
Every year, the month of September recognizes Suicide Prevention Awareness. Last year, I posted a video blog about a colleague's death by suicide. For 2025, I plan to share an essay I delivered to college students (who were either studying to be psychologists or human resource specialists) during a workshop on trauma and first responders. I could not even complete one sentence before crying. The following incident occurred sixteen years prior.
NOTE: WHAT I AM ABOUT TO DIVULGE IS FOR THE PURPOSE OF GENERAL PUBLIC EDUCATION, AND COMES WITH A TRIGGER WARNING:
Sixteen years ago, on a cold, damp February night, my outlook on life changed forever. The alarm sounded at 1940 hours (7:40 P.M.) for a vehicle that had exploded. My assignment for the day was to drive the fire engine to the scene and ensure that firefighters had water to extinguish any fire. My heart began to race as I thought, "This is going to be a bad one." Upon arrival, the Lieutenant, I, and another firefighter could see a column of heavy black smoke rising (as black as the sky) from the rear of an apartment building parking lot. The Lieutenant and the other firefighter pulled the hose line off the engine and disappeared behind the building into the night. Suddenly, I heard my Lieutenant shout in a booming voice, "Get us water quick!!!" Within a few minutes, the crew completed fire suppression, or so I thought. The next thing I knew, an ambulance that also responded pulled out from behind the building. I peered through the window and saw three medics treating a charred, lifeless body that they extracted from the pickup truck that had exploded. My Lieutenant, who was driving the ambulance, never looked my way as he sped off to the hospital. I thought this to be odd behavior as the "Lou" always gave us additional instructions.
While I was picking up equipment, the other member of my crew emerged from behind the building and informed me that the victim was our crewmate. Tears began to stream down my face as I collapsed to the ground, sobbing uncontrollably. You see, this man, a fellow firefighter I worked with for the last three years, died by suicide, and used emulation as the method. One month prior, he attempted to end his life, only this time he was successful. After that night, I realized that we live on this Earth for a fleeting time, and it should be our life's mission to leave the world a little better off than we found it. Therefore, I developed a personal mantra that I try to live by each day, which is: "Every morning I wake up and realize that there are many people in this world who want to be somebody. I, on the other hand, want to be somebody who makes a difference."
Several months after this workshop, I became a member of the Illinois Firefighter Peer Support Team, and shortly thereafter, I saw a licensed professional clinical counselor to unpack this unresolved trauma. During our sessions, I learned about Chief Patrick Kenny (whom I spoke about in a previous blog). The quote at the beginning of this post came out of an hour-long conversation we had when I met him. In my next post, I will discuss more about noticing the signs. Until next time -
Namaste,
Tim